Goddless Liberals Invade Minister's Conference

Church author Delivers a Survey on American Politics Instead of Keeping to Bible

DES MOINES, IOWA - Nationally known author Tex Sample today delivered a devastating critique of American Politics to a packed room of United Methodist pastors at the downtown Marriott this afternoon.

The ministers afterward went to their afternoon break in differing emotional states. Many looked smug, several were muttering under their breath, and at least a dozen had the look of half-concussed puppies. Many were outraged - tradition holds that the after lunch speaker is usually prosaic if not dull, and always soft-spoken. Dozens of pastors were forced to listen instead of slipping off to slumber. Many of them also cited their different politics and the annoyance to listening to an, "old hippie who has no clue," according to Bob Rivers, pastor of Dinkville United Methodist Church.

"Sample has some nerve. What do the economic lies he's making up on the screen have anything to do with preaching from the Bible or for the monthly Pro-Life meeting we host every month? Those are our Christian priorities - along with lower taxes and the right to bear arms."

Sample, citing several dozen statistics and graphs from prominent economists, political science theorists, and historians, argued that, "These issues are not only relevant to our congregations, but also to the increasingly skewed political opinion spectrum that we're exposed to."

Sample, a retired sociologist for the Saint Paul School of Theology in Minnesota, even asserted that the culture of America represents a totalitarian system of societal control and justice that appears almost an inverse of fascism. "Instead of a unitary government that strongly influences and enriches a capitalist class, our duopoly government is enriched and controlled by a capitalist class."

Marriott management had no comment, other than noting that such an inflammatory lecture hadn't produced the expected unrest; the United Methodist ministers did not march out on the street chanting, nor did masked protesters trash the snack buffet tables.

The Des Moines City Council pledged vigilance and promised to bring up a motion condemmning the conference's language for being , "unproductive".